Not Your Grandma's Dirty Jokes
Welcome to the land of sarcasm, where the punchlines are sharper than your wit, and the humor is darker than your soul. If you're easily offended, don't say we didn't warn you. If you're ready for some adulting, keep reading.
A man walked into a doctor's office with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: 'Doc, I've got a problem. I've been feeling really down lately.' The doctor replies: 'I see. And how long have you been feeling like that?' 'Well,' the man says, 'ever since Blacktop Street got paved.'
I mean, we've all been there, right?
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. As he's sipping his drink, he hears a voice say, 'Nice tie!' He looks around, but there's nobody nearby who could have said it. A few minutes later, he hears, 'Beautiful shirt!' Again, he looks around, but there's nobody nearby who could have said it. A few more minutes pass, and he hears, 'Great haircut!' This time, he decides to investigate. He asks the bartender, 'Did you hear those voices?' The bartender replies, 'Oh, that's just the peanuts. They're complementary.'
And that's why this man drinks alone now.
Mean jokes for mean people
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised. And then I left her for someone with lower expectations.
Your genes load, but your parents still blame you.
When you're in your late 20s and still living off your parents, that's not a 'break' – that's a 'pause.' 'I'm not broke; I'm just on pause.'
When I was a kid, my parents would ground me and take away my Game Boy. Now I'm in my 30s, and I'm still waiting for them to take away my Xbox so I can have a reason not to adult.
Love and relationships – the never-ending fight
I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't make a difference. My wife is similar, but her placebos are just me.
Why do couples bring a ladder to therapy? They want to take their relationship to the next level. Too bad that level's called divorce.
What do you call a cheesy romance novel written by a robot? 'Turbulence in the Time Loop of Heartbreak 2000.' The reviews are mixed, with some readers appreciating the existential dread and others just finding it a bit 'emotionally detached' and 'crash-prone.'
When adulting goes wrong
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool. Now his beard is in therapy.
My love life is like a pizza with extra cheese – even when I think it's good, it's still pretty crusty.
Why do programmers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs.
Working (Hard?) for the Weekend
On Monday, a man tells his wife, 'I had the most amazing dream last night. I was skiing down a mountain when suddenly I felt something pulling me up.'
She replies, 'That wasn't a dream – that was your snores, and the 'something pulling you up' was my pillow.'
One-liners for your weekend
Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be a sedan.
What's a footlong, has 8 heads, and lives in a box? (Think about it.) I have no idea either. I was just Googling weird human anatomical conditions.
You know why you're beautiful? It's because 'hot' spelled backwards is 'toh.' Maybe that's the chemistry I've been missing. Chemistry's hard. Who needs it anyway?
Witty comebacks for your (sarcastic) friends
What did the moon say to the star? You're 'stellar,' but I'm a 'gas giant.' My friend's just a lot like a star – constantly fading in comparison to my ego.
Why do dads love gaming? Because anyone can be a hero for $60 and not get divorced for playing video games all day. Most of the time. When my friends ask me to spot their gaming habit, I always respond with, 'Sorry, buddy – I'm still trying to pass my moral judgment quest.'
For each kind of misery, there's a corresponding friend that pretends to listen. Listening is therapeutic. For the friend, at least.